Revisions

Original Poems:

"Bounce"

"Bounce!"

I say. Into the air, 10 feet high

Swift, strong arms thrust the rubber ball

To the ground, and the ball just does as it was told

The ball always does and always will do what it is told

The schedule never fluctuates; it is unyielding, even obdurate

There is not a thing the ball can change about the day or itself

You bounce I say, and all the rubber knows how to do is blindly

Respond with how high? To the sky to the moon, I will go the

 Distance for you, I am yours for I have been taught to do not

 A thing but bounce endlessly till you grow terribly tired of

Me and my outside grows worn, I am yours with no choice

Or say so I might as well be happy to be somebodies,

To feel warmth in ones’ hand you say bounce

 And as planned I happily say

How High?

"The Unseen"

An object shared

between you and I

him and her

all of us, everyone

smaller than

the eye can see

and handed down

through family history

slightly different for everyone

by just one percent

they make me, Me 

and you, YOU

control our appearance

personality and behavior

they are the masterminds behind 

what we have learned to call ourselves

Mimi Moriarty's Feedback:

Alaynah - I think you were the only one who attempted a concrete poem.  Good effort at creating a picture with your poem!  And there's an interesting message in the poem, as well, about obedience and dependence.  You have a nice flair for the dramatic.

In "The Unseen" - check the second line for a grammatical error "between you and me" not "between you and I" - otherwise, nicely done.  I especially like the second stanza - nice rhythm and rhyme.  The rest of the poem breaks the rhythm and rhyme, so I think you have to decide if you will use it throughout, or not at all.  This is something I struggle with all of the time.  You just have to choose.

Mimi Moriarty

My Revisions:

"The Unseen"

objects shared

between you, me, mother, son

its been declared
they are within everyone

smaller than

the eye can see

and handed down

through family history

make me unique
slightly different
being bold is what we seek

through just one percent

deciding our appearance

personality and behavior
masterminds in a sense

individualities savior

My Response:

For "Bounce" I love the original, as did Moriarty, she didn't suggest that I change anything. Which I was really happy with, it felt nice having my poem complimented. 
And For "The Unseen" I prefer the revised, and I am so glad that she gave me advise to change the poem because it just made the poem so much stronger. And it was true what she said I did need to choose between using rhythm and rhyme or nothing at all.